stop smoking, day 14

I haven't not smoked for this many days since I was 15 years old. It seems like some sort of major feat. It has only happened as a result of the steady, time-released stream of nicotine that continues to course through my body, provoking crazy dreams and making me forget to eat.

That said, I am in the midst of seriously troubling times. The first week of non-smoking was pretty triumphant. I felt totally happy & healthy and optimistic, food tasted amazing (though I was never hungry) and I started smelling layers of smells again. Not so much anymore. For the last 4 or 5 days all day every day there is this really unhappy feeling in my lungs which leads to an internal monologue. My lungs say time for a cigarette, my brain says time for a cigarette, and the other voice says you can't smoke. Then I'm sad, then angry, then eventually I forget. Twenty minutes later it starts again. There seems to be nothing that can satisfy this craving, not alcohol or snacks or coffee or sweets or a walk or a glass of water. Just big sadness. This cycle runs day and night, from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. It is brutal and I sometimes find myself fills with an unbearable rage.

After that first amazing week, I somehow started to believe I was almost invincible and I was totally winning. I would phase off these patches sooner than suggested and be done with this junk forever. As week two nears its close I realize that isn't going to happen anytime soon. If things are this bad now, god only knows what will happen after I stop with the nicotine forever. I hope that eventually my lungs will stop making this crazy feeling and my fever will break.